John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
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most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
so much to do
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?