Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
You Might Also Like
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
The more things change, the more they stay the same.