@robfee: Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn't even have all his thumb rings off yet.
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@Gooooats: My toddler just asked, "Where's mom?" and I told him to go ask his mom. He accepted this response and went off to ask her.
@SomeChrisTweets: *ding* This is your captain speaking. We... Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We're out of fuel.
@brian_bilston: There once was a poet on Twitter who grew increasingly bitter. He couldn't surmount the strict character count and so his poems got even shi
@ieatanddrink: This is your pilot speaking. We'll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane