Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
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#Caturday
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
look at me when i’m typing to you
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.