Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
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*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.