Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
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“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Don’t talk down to me
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
I triple waxed for this?