Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
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*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
asked my bf how work was today
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”