@Elizasoul80: Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can't even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
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@charliedelta7: My 4yo: Dad, you're old, right? Me: I'm not that old. 4: You're not new. Me: Go to bed.
@joejwest: ME: Pet it OPTIMUS PRIME: But I'm afraid of it ME: It's just a dog OP: Oh..ok [reaches out] DOG: [sneezes] OP: [transforms into large truck]
@Mr_Kapowski: Coworker: Ugh, the coffee is too strong Me: There is no strong coffee. Just weak people.
@imdaintyaf: [Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary] Narrator: ...the mink, a close relative of the weasel Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god