Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
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One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY