Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
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I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.