johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
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I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.