@gilozeri: johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
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@TheBoydP: Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don't remember doing it.
@living_marble: "Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!" "Dad, just once, couldn't you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?" "ARISE!"
@Sickayduh: "911, what's your emerg-" "The women at work have synced their uteri and it's Hell" "Sir uteri is not plural for ute-" "TAMPI EVERYWHERE"