Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
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me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?