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@goldengateblond: There's a crying baby on my bus and I'm all "shut up baby, you're not the one going to work."
@DaddyJew: [buying college textbooks] That'll be 100 million dollars [returning college textbooks] We can give you half off on this pencil case
@piplips: If I don't introduce you to the person I'm with it's because I don't remember either of your names.
@MrFornicator: When people ask me if I'm working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they're hurting hard or hardly hurting.