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@ElKnuckelhombre: A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
@Fred_Delicious: [2 dogs eating dinner] "u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great" [stops chewing] "why does this taste like chocolate"
@CelebrityChez: Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, your pets in tupperware, your grandad in a crockpot and your mother in law in a ziplock bag.
@Mr_Kapowski: Spice up your otherwise trite wedding by making the groomsmen act as pallbearers and carry the groom to the altar in a casket