Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
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My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true