I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
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*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Cndnsd Mlk
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?