Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
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Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Why is everyone getting married at me
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
So we got a goldfish…
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Donating blood today to make room for more food
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.