@Scarfolk: Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
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@13spencer: A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
@iwearaonesie: [Jurassic Park] kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur? me: What? kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus me *pushes him out of the tree*
@amydillon: 85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the "she" in her story is.
@myonlymizztake: Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for... Billy Joel's 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.