it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
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Ok team, today we’re …..oh
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
even bears disappoint their mothers
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
A fake ID that makes you younger