Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
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Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal