Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
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No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
My first son he is wonderful
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat