Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
You Might Also Like
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.