Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
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“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Me trying to “trust the process”
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.