Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 馃檨
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Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it鈥檚 too late to start watching anything.
#merica
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we鈥檙e on the same page.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What鈥檚 not to like?
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Smile they said.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn鈥檛 any space left for me to sign it
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off