@AnkCoupleTO: Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I'm a freak but not that talented
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@Sean_Burgundy_: You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she organizes body parts in her freezer
@Ygrene: [at the park] SON: dad dad what's that in the sky?! (points at helicopter) ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
@DadandBuried: 6yo: What's for dinner? Me: Pork medallions. 6: I HATE THOSE! Me: I'll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
@StarWarsProblms: Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor? Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears. Emperor: That sounds plausible.