Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
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True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
*me flirting
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.