@AnkCoupleTO: Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I'm a freak but not that talented
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@notacroc: [dinner table] SHARK: i got the promotion SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now? SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn't a joke, Sharon
@GinGander: Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map... Putin is fixing the issue by just calling it all "Russia".
@christinaloca: How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.