@AnkCoupleTO: Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I'm a freak but not that talented
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@shawnspree: Friend: How many calories does heartache burn? Me: Depends on how many calories are in the person you are setting on fire.
@magicraisin: She said: "I want to have your children." . Me: "They'll be on the first bus in the morning."
@michael_raphone: BOSS: I'm sorry mike, but you've been downsized ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
@BigHeb7: I'm sick of hearing about this World Class chef at Taco Bell. Chefs don't work at Taco Bell. Your weed dealer works at Taco Bell.