Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
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People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Battery falling down a hole
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*