[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
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“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.