*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
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In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
I’m Sold!
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.