*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
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Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
peep davidson
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?