Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
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Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie