[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
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ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.