Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
You Might Also Like
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk