coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
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What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
you gotta be faster
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.