@omgthatspunny: Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
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@callie_cakes: Ex picked up the kids, brought me coffee & took out my trash. This divorce thing is really working out for me.
@david8hughes: [me as a cop] Me: Mrs Hill? Woman: yes Me: it's Ms Hill now Woman: huh Me: ur husbands dead Woman: h-how? Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
@curlycomedy: Songs with lyrics like, "We don't need sleep," why are you rebelling against naps? What are you--four?
@bourgeoisalien: Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.