me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
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Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Twitter fine art
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.