Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
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[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open