@mkesquire: Jokes on her! I LIKE sleeping on the couch.
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@MourningGlory_: I just ate an entire bag of Werther's and now I'm 80 years old, own a floral couch, smoke Virginia Slims, got a perm and my name is Shirley.
@jonnysun: *dinosaur at zoo roars at me* "ROAR" whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this "GROWL" hmm "SHOUT" hmmm "YELL" hmmmmm "HOLLER" oh its a thesaurus
@TheRolo: [Updates Christian Mingle bio] "Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first" "You have 999 new matches"
@withanewname: [my first day as a financial investor] "I'm going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?"