My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
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From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.