Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
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fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
I鈥檓 like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
this post was so formative to me
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe鈥檚 when you鈥檙e starving to death.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 馃幍JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”