Jokes on them. I took 10.
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Perfection.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
and now we wait
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more