Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
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DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!