Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
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Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago