Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
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When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Sponch
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.