Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
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“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish