Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
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It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Barbie gone wild
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
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Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.