Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
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Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
they should invent a hydrating liquor
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no