Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
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Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!