[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
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Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”