Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
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My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Bless you
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you