JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
You Might Also Like
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.