Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
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Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
The answer is funnier than the question
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
I have a type: disappointing
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.