Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
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Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Golf would be better with landmines.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it