“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
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You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.