Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
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I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.