@DrakeJoshQuotez: Josh: [after he spills root beer on the TV and ruins it] I drink root beer. You don't see me explodin'!
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@HatfieldAnne: In the early hours, the hoarse retching of a cat with a hairball. First one out of bed has to clean up. My bladder is empty. Bring it.
@TheTweetOfGod: America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it's the greatest country on earth.
@XplodingUnicorn: 6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house? Me: They can't get in. 6: Why not? Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.