[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
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I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot