Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
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I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
water it, i dare you
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION